Clarity’s blog

Invitation to a lecture next monday (only in Slovene I’m afraid):

 Predavanje: Modrost strtega srca

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Don’t practice Gesar practice at 11pm if you would like to get any sleep on the same night…

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Was at Ana Desetnica yesterday and had quite a blast!

Here are some videos from it:

More at my Qik!

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This feeling of sadness,
this feeling of loss,
this feeling of betrayal,
This feeling of care,
this feeling of love,
this feeling of compassion,
This feeling of understanding,
this feeling of hatred,
This feeling of revenge,
this love itself and the hate itself,
are all empty, illusions of appearance.

Just rest in this understanding,
O distressed Robert,
Just rest and relax.

It is all ok.

(from Clarity of the Heart to the one known as Robert who tends to suffer quite needlessly)

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Well, I think Rinpoche would have quite a laugh about this (look at the left guys arm):

Rambo: (L-R) Reese (Jake La Botz), Diaz (Rey Gallegos) and Lewis (Graham McTavish) - MovieWeb

A better picture of the same arm:

(via Corpus Mmothra)

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Digital Tibetan Buddhist Altar: UNDEFEATED GENERALS

Dakini, schmakini… this or that rinpoche… who recognized who… it is just an absolute waste of time… it doesn’t matter. What matters is the ability to use a broken heart for the benefit of others.

Now, I am not sure how for real this is, but it definitely makes for an interesting reading… As straight as it goes, I’d say…

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Sigh… In lots of emotional turmoil again. That’s one thing that one hopes will go away with meditation. Well, it does not, at least not in the way one would think. There’s still reactivity, still pain, despair and all the emotions, but what seems to change slowly is that more and more it just becomes the content and not what one is. So, at the moment this is my practice - just watching these thoughts, this pain, hatred, regret, anger,… And I try to remind myself that there is nothing to fix, nothing to change, just let it flow through. The ideas from the previous post have been very helpful.

So… It goes like this…

This feeling of abandoment is not me, is not myself, is not mine,

these thoughts that I will never ever be loved, that this is just further proof how unlovable I am - they are not me, not myself, not mine,

this pain in my heart is not me, not myself, not mine,

this anger towards you burning in my eyes is not me, not myself, not mine,

this anger towards me that I played along with your games for so long - is not me, not myself, not mine,

these thoughts of wanting to hurt you, expose your ugliness for the whole world to see - not me, not myself, not mine,

these thoughts that I was just a toy to you, discarded when you got bored - not me, not myself, not mine,

this regret for every thought of love and kindness I had for you - not me, not myself, not mine,

this regret for all the effort I’ve put in this relationship - is not me, not myself, not mine,

these thoughts of wanting to never ever seeing you again - not me, not myself, not mine,

…

it goes on and on as you can imagine. All I can do at the moment is just be patient and let this chaos slowly dissolve on its own. And in the mean time, not act on anything, not believe anything in my head and muster every last straw of loving kindness and compassion I have for this human being, just a human being… But real or not, it just fucking hurts…

(supportive comments welcome, any holier than thou advice will be promptly deleted and your IP banned)

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“Now what do you think, brethren, is body permanent or impermanent?”
“Impermanent, Lord.”
“And is the impermanent painful or pleasant?”
“Painful, Lord.”
“Then what is impermanent, painful, and unstable by nature, is it
fitting to consider as, ‘this is mine, this am I, this is my
self’?”
“Surely not, Lord.”

“So also is it with feeling, perception, the activities, and consc-
iousness. Therefore, brethren, every body whatever, be it past, future,
or present, be it inward or outward, gross or subtle, lowly or eminent,
far or near–every body should be thus regarded, as it really is, by right
insight–’this is not mine; this am not I; this is not my self.’

“Every feeling whatever, every perception whatever, all activities
whatsoever, every consciousness whatever [must likewise be so regarded].

Samyutta Nikaya iii.68

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Shambhala Sun - Approaching the Guru
To cut a long story short, if you want enlightenment you need wisdom. If you want wisdom, you must have merit. And to have merit, according to mahayana, you must have compassion and bodhichitta, the wish to establish beings in the state of freedom.

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This is a very interesting talk by Daniel Goleman on compassion:

http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/200

It seems that the new social neuroscience is confirming what Buddhists have been saying for quite a while longer - compassion is inherent in us as human beings, but we manage to cover it over, or turn it off.  What do we need to do to get back in touch with it? Stop and notice. Very interesting to be hearing these things from a psychologist. Recommended!

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“Buddhist practice offers no vaccination for the arising of WANT. Personally, I WANT a new iPod every time a new model comes out, and I’ve been meditating for a pretty long time.”

Ethan Nichtern, One City: A declaration of Interdependence

Me too…

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a careful reader might have noticed a “slight” slant towards having a peaceful mind in my last post. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but when I was browsing through “It’s up to you” by Dzigar Kongtrul, the following stood out:

”
Sometimes practitioners resent disturbing thoughts and think they should be exempt from them. Those who have been practicing for many years, may wonder “Why after all this time do I still experience so much mental turmoil? Why is my mind not at peace?” This question reflects a mistaken view of the purpose of practice. No matter how advanced we may be in practice or realization, mind’s natural activity does not cease. It’s an expression of mind’s nature, which is pregnant with possibilities. Instead of resenting the mind’s vitality, we can use it to deepen and enrich our practice.”

Perhaps a certain friend of mine who is going through a hard time might also benefit from this advice?

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 This quote from the Sakyong appeared today in my news reader, and I thought it was just too good to pass:

 Love mixed with space is called letting go.

Interesting, no?  It somehow stopped my mind, although I’m not quite sure what grabbed my attention. I know I could definitely use some space in my love life lately…

(this is going to be a rambling post, I can already tell… )

A friend of mine keeps saying that she thinks everything can be resolved through talking (you can tell she’s studying to be a psychotherapist, right? ). And I realized that somehow being so involved in PT studies I’ve also started subscribing to this view. However, and as I soon found out, for me it doesn’t quite work. Sure, talking helps, and I love when things are out in the open, transparent, where there’s nothing hidden. However, if I don’t really work on things in my own practice, talking doesn’t really help that much. It can sometimes be just a rehashing of stories, spinning around more and more with not a lot of clarity.

And if I work on this issues first on my cushion, let my mind settle down a bit, relax and with that allow some clarity to appear, then perhaps talking can be useful. My mistake lately was forgetting this part and relying just on talking. And now, having just finished a weekend of practice, my longing for a clear and settled mind got reignited. It was like omg, I forgot how it actually feels when I’m actually in touch with reality, and not just spinning around in my head. And it’s something I really want more of.

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I Believe in Love - A Talk by Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche
It is also important to acknowledge pain. Recognizing that there is pain rather than trying to ignore it brings tremendous joy. It helps us realize how precious our situation is.

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I don’t even know where to start… I guess I am still surprised how the winds of karma change suddenly. Last week I’ve been preparing for the talk, studying and practicing quite a bit, and it was really good for me, I really managed to connect more with the teachings and with the practice. I felt more confident, at ease, and dare I say at times even joyful.

Then this morning I get a call from a friend, who I feel very close to, and it triggered a lot of painful things inside of me. I don’t feel like quite going into details at this point, but boy, did it hurt. It still does. Hurts like hell. Or worse.

I was quite amazed at the magnitude of my reaction.  I guess at least one thing I got from all this training is that there’s a bit more space in my mind, and I didn’t immediately lash back. But boy, did I want to! I looked at this pain, tried to stay with it and embrace it, not to push it away, but uff… Difficult stuff. A very early early pain got triggered and it brings with it all of the feelings of overwhelm that a young child feels. I could see that it didn’t really have to do anything with the current situation, that was just a catalyst, but still, that didn’t make the pain any less. Well, all I could do really, was just to sit with it and try as best as I could to embrace it. Eventually it did lessen a bit,so at least I could go to work, but I knew this was far from being done.

I was also quite amazed at this insistence on hurting the other person back, like if she experiences some pain, this would somehow lessen mine. Could this be the root of all violence? All wars? This hurt that we just can’t stand and we have to lash out, thinking that we’ll be better off. Well, at least this much I learned so far - this just never ever works. My pain is not going to be any less, no matter how persuasive the thoughts in mind are about it.

So, no escape there as well. Again, back to just being with it.  Kept thinking about the teachings… Well, here’s the First noble truth, suffering is definitely here, no doubt about it. Ok, what about second? Cause of suffering - desire (yep, definitely here) and ignorance about nature of self (aha, that would be the big ME that is feeling so HURT. And where exactly is this ME? Hmm. Still hurts though.)

A wish arose as well, that you know, it would be really f**** nice if I wouldn’t hurt so much. If, like, I really got to the bottom of this whole suffering thing and finally see through it. Now this is something worth devoting my life too, I think… What is this called - renunciation maybe? Wish to rise up?

Now, for intermezzo, at work I find out I completely missed a big point in a project I’m working on, and I have to redo a lot of what I was doing. While already being behind the schedule. Just wonderful.

It gets better though. I come back home and I try out the new keys to the apartment, that finally arrived after a month and a half, and yeah, you can probably guess. Not only did they not work, they got stuck in the lock, couldn’t get them in or out. At this point my patience was slowly beginning to wear a bit thin, I have to say. I try to climb in the apartment through the neighbour’s balcony - guess what - my flatmates closed the balcony door, so no luck.

I call the janitor (? hisnik?) and he forgot his tools in a different car, so he can’t come, but then he remembers that maybe some of his friends might be able to help.

The neighbour keeps offering to bring pliers and for a while I thought what use could they probably be, but then I say, hey, can’t hurt (see, that’s the space again! ). And voila - the lock actually opens.

Now we’re in, trying out the different keys, not all of the keys work fine from the inside, but none work from the outside anymore. Great. Well, I’ll leave that problem for tomorrow, enough for today, I think.

Now,where was I?Ah, my state of mind. Well, for a while I actually managed to avoid being in touch with it, and busied myself with computer work, but i kept sensing it in the background. So I finally gave in and went to sit with it again. still there. as painful as before. Ah, but what about this moment? Next breath? Is pain the same on every breath?  Interesting… It shifts. Still hurts though.

It seems to hurt more when I think about it and less if I am just with the sensations. ok, that’s good to know. ahh, “thinking”, right.

Then I come up with an interesting idea. I’ve been starting to practice loving kindness and compassion practices again, and I thought, well, why not. Now, usually I would do them for myself in this kind of a case, but here I tried something different. I did them for others.

Well, I’m in pain, but I can still wish for others to be happy, right? My students for example. My mother. My friend who called me this morning (ahh, no,no,no, not this one ! not yet) Back to my other friends.  Do they feel the same kind of pain that I do? Probably someone else feels the same way? Well, I wish they’d be free of it as well. I do this for a while, and something actually changes. Pain is still here, but it lessens and there’s some warmth here as well. I get an insight into the situation - seeing more clearly what is happening, seeing how the other person is doing actually exactly what she needs to be doing. And I also see what I need to do, although I don’t like it one bit.

It seems some friendships are just not meant to be…

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