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Sigh… In lots of emotional turmoil again. :( That’s one thing that one hopes will go away with meditation. Well, it does not, at least not in the way one would think. There’s still reactivity, still pain, despair and all the emotions, but what seems to change slowly is that more and more it just becomes the content and not what one is. So, at the moment this is my practice - just watching these thoughts, this pain, hatred, regret, anger,… And I try to remind myself that there is nothing to fix, nothing to change, just let it flow through. The ideas from the previous post have been very helpful.

So… It goes like this…

This feeling of abandoment is not me, is not myself, is not mine,

these thoughts that I will never ever be loved, that this is just further proof how unlovable I am - they are not me, not myself, not mine,

this pain in my heart is not me, not myself, not mine,

this anger towards you burning in my eyes is not me, not myself, not mine,

this anger towards me that I played along with your games for so long - is not me, not myself, not mine,

these thoughts of wanting to hurt you, expose your ugliness for the whole world to see - not me, not myself, not mine,

these thoughts that I was just a toy to you, discarded when you got bored - not me, not myself, not mine,

this regret for every thought of love and kindness I had for you - not me, not myself, not mine,

this regret for all the effort I’ve put in this relationship - is not me, not myself, not mine,

these thoughts of wanting to never ever seeing you again - not me, not myself, not mine,

it goes on and on as you can imagine. All I can do at the moment is just be patient and let this chaos slowly dissolve on its own. And in the mean time, not act on anything, not believe anything in my head and muster every last straw of loving kindness and compassion I have for this human being, just a human being… But real or not, it just fucking hurts…

(supportive comments welcome, any holier than thou advice will be promptly deleted and your IP banned)