Clarity’s blog

Digital Tibetan Buddhist Altar: UNDEFEATED GENERALS

Dakini, schmakini… this or that rinpoche… who recognized who… it is just an absolute waste of time… it doesn’t matter. What matters is the ability to use a broken heart for the benefit of others.

Now, I am not sure how for real this is, but it definitely makes for an interesting reading… As straight as it goes, I’d say…

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the emotional turmoil seems to be calming down at last and my head is beginning to clear somewhat. Now I’m just exhausted from it all. On the positive side, I’ve just started reading Life of the Buddha by Sherab Chodzin and it is really wonderful to read it, like a balsam (? is this the correct word in english?) for my mind (heh, almost said soul!). It just transported me to that time, almost felt like I was walking there with him… And what stands out the most at this time, is the repetition of the core teachings - what has arisen will cease. He says this again and again. In my current turmoil this seems to be a very apt teaching - all of this turmoil is exactly because I can’t seem to let go… Still, seeing how much I just don’t want to let go seems to be quite useful as well.

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Sigh… In lots of emotional turmoil again. That’s one thing that one hopes will go away with meditation. Well, it does not, at least not in the way one would think. There’s still reactivity, still pain, despair and all the emotions, but what seems to change slowly is that more and more it just becomes the content and not what one is. So, at the moment this is my practice - just watching these thoughts, this pain, hatred, regret, anger,… And I try to remind myself that there is nothing to fix, nothing to change, just let it flow through. The ideas from the previous post have been very helpful.

So… It goes like this…

This feeling of abandoment is not me, is not myself, is not mine,

these thoughts that I will never ever be loved, that this is just further proof how unlovable I am - they are not me, not myself, not mine,

this pain in my heart is not me, not myself, not mine,

this anger towards you burning in my eyes is not me, not myself, not mine,

this anger towards me that I played along with your games for so long - is not me, not myself, not mine,

these thoughts of wanting to hurt you, expose your ugliness for the whole world to see - not me, not myself, not mine,

these thoughts that I was just a toy to you, discarded when you got bored - not me, not myself, not mine,

this regret for every thought of love and kindness I had for you - not me, not myself, not mine,

this regret for all the effort I’ve put in this relationship - is not me, not myself, not mine,

these thoughts of wanting to never ever seeing you again - not me, not myself, not mine,

…

it goes on and on as you can imagine. All I can do at the moment is just be patient and let this chaos slowly dissolve on its own. And in the mean time, not act on anything, not believe anything in my head and muster every last straw of loving kindness and compassion I have for this human being, just a human being… But real or not, it just fucking hurts…

(supportive comments welcome, any holier than thou advice will be promptly deleted and your IP banned)

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“Now what do you think, brethren, is body permanent or impermanent?”
“Impermanent, Lord.”
“And is the impermanent painful or pleasant?”
“Painful, Lord.”
“Then what is impermanent, painful, and unstable by nature, is it
fitting to consider as, ‘this is mine, this am I, this is my
self’?”
“Surely not, Lord.”

“So also is it with feeling, perception, the activities, and consc-
iousness. Therefore, brethren, every body whatever, be it past, future,
or present, be it inward or outward, gross or subtle, lowly or eminent,
far or near–every body should be thus regarded, as it really is, by right
insight–’this is not mine; this am not I; this is not my self.’

“Every feeling whatever, every perception whatever, all activities
whatsoever, every consciousness whatever [must likewise be so regarded].

Samyutta Nikaya iii.68

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Shambhala Sun - Approaching the Guru
To cut a long story short, if you want enlightenment you need wisdom. If you want wisdom, you must have merit. And to have merit, according to mahayana, you must have compassion and bodhichitta, the wish to establish beings in the state of freedom.

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This is a very interesting talk by Daniel Goleman on compassion:

http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/200

It seems that the new social neuroscience is confirming what Buddhists have been saying for quite a while longer - compassion is inherent in us as human beings, but we manage to cover it over, or turn it off.  What do we need to do to get back in touch with it? Stop and notice. Very interesting to be hearing these things from a psychologist. Recommended!

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well, it seems i’ve gotten through the worse part, back on my feet it seems… At least as far as my lungs are concerned, as for the other infection I still need to go have some tests done and we’ll see how it goes after that. But I feel tons better so that is something to celebrate!

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tumble and rumble:

bernard:

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