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i’m really feeling in a foul mood today. I thought that writing about it might help, but I find this idea quite abhorrent as well. It feels like I’m just unhappy with everything, but especially with myself. Feels like the critical mind has a spotlight at the moment and it’s revelling in it as much as it can. And what does it say?

Your life is a mess. You are a loser. You can’t commit to anything, what the f* are you so afraid of? Your buddhist path is a sham, you’re just pretending to be following but 99% of your day you’re just thinking of yourself, no dharma thought in sight. How can you even think you’ll accomplish anything in this way? You’re just procrastinating all the time. Can’t even do your job properly. Do you really want to find out the truth or is this just a game?

umm… hello, self hate, long time no see… Seeing all of this in such plain sight in a blog post just makes me sad, but sad in a warm way, not depressing way. Yes, I keep losing track of where I want to go. Yes, I keep trying not to look at my life. Yes, 99% of my day I’m thinking of myself. … A lot of that is true.

But now, when I look at all this, hating myself for this is surely not going to help. What about some encouragement instead? A hug? An admittance that yes, I’m human, I’m struggling. And that I still keep going, trying to love, learning to accept it all. Do I fail? Yes, lots of times.  And then I go on, hopefully for as long as I need to.