Clarity’s blog

i’m really feeling in a foul mood today. I thought that writing about it might help, but I find this idea quite abhorrent as well. It feels like I’m just unhappy with everything, but especially with myself. Feels like the critical mind has a spotlight at the moment and it’s revelling in it as much as it can. And what does it say?

Your life is a mess. You are a loser. You can’t commit to anything, what the f* are you so afraid of? Your buddhist path is a sham, you’re just pretending to be following but 99% of your day you’re just thinking of yourself, no dharma thought in sight. How can you even think you’ll accomplish anything in this way? You’re just procrastinating all the time. Can’t even do your job properly. Do you really want to find out the truth or is this just a game?

umm… hello, self hate, long time no see… Seeing all of this in such plain sight in a blog post just makes me sad, but sad in a warm way, not depressing way. Yes, I keep losing track of where I want to go. Yes, I keep trying not to look at my life. Yes, 99% of my day I’m thinking of myself. … A lot of that is true.

But now, when I look at all this, hating myself for this is surely not going to help. What about some encouragement instead? A hug? An admittance that yes, I’m human, I’m struggling. And that I still keep going, trying to love, learning to accept it all. Do I fail? Yes, lots of times.  And then I go on, hopefully for as long as I need to.

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I was just browsing through a book called Zen Sex, which I’m just about to give to a friend as a birthday present and I stumbled upon this poem:

The autumn breeze of a single night of love is better than
a hundred thousand years of sterile sitting meditation.

which is from a beloved Zen poet Ikkyu. What do you think?

(since at the moment I only have the latter I cannot compare! )

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I’m finding that chilli and chocolate are actually quite an interesting combination…

yummy!

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you smile at me seductively,
promising heaven and more,

but in truth - is it all just a play?

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a careful reader might have noticed a “slight” slant towards having a peaceful mind in my last post. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but when I was browsing through “It’s up to you” by Dzigar Kongtrul, the following stood out:

”
Sometimes practitioners resent disturbing thoughts and think they should be exempt from them. Those who have been practicing for many years, may wonder “Why after all this time do I still experience so much mental turmoil? Why is my mind not at peace?” This question reflects a mistaken view of the purpose of practice. No matter how advanced we may be in practice or realization, mind’s natural activity does not cease. It’s an expression of mind’s nature, which is pregnant with possibilities. Instead of resenting the mind’s vitality, we can use it to deepen and enrich our practice.”

Perhaps a certain friend of mine who is going through a hard time might also benefit from this advice?

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 This quote from the Sakyong appeared today in my news reader, and I thought it was just too good to pass:

 Love mixed with space is called letting go.

Interesting, no?  It somehow stopped my mind, although I’m not quite sure what grabbed my attention. I know I could definitely use some space in my love life lately…

(this is going to be a rambling post, I can already tell… )

A friend of mine keeps saying that she thinks everything can be resolved through talking (you can tell she’s studying to be a psychotherapist, right? ). And I realized that somehow being so involved in PT studies I’ve also started subscribing to this view. However, and as I soon found out, for me it doesn’t quite work. Sure, talking helps, and I love when things are out in the open, transparent, where there’s nothing hidden. However, if I don’t really work on things in my own practice, talking doesn’t really help that much. It can sometimes be just a rehashing of stories, spinning around more and more with not a lot of clarity.

And if I work on this issues first on my cushion, let my mind settle down a bit, relax and with that allow some clarity to appear, then perhaps talking can be useful. My mistake lately was forgetting this part and relying just on talking. And now, having just finished a weekend of practice, my longing for a clear and settled mind got reignited. It was like omg, I forgot how it actually feels when I’m actually in touch with reality, and not just spinning around in my head. And it’s something I really want more of.

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wow, it’s been quite a long time since I’ve stayed up all night partying, and I don’t think it was ever as much fun as it was this last Friday. To be honest, I really don’t know where I got the energy to do it, usually I get tired pretty easily but here we just kept going and going… Got to sleep for 1hr before going to school on Saturday and the lecture was so interesting I actually managed to stay awake and even participate. During lunch break we met up again with the friends we were partying on Friday and went to lunch and it seemed the party was just continuing. It was really surreal sometimes, just how much fun I have with these people. I think I should definitely do this more often…

But I think the real highlight for me was getting to know a bit more someone I wanted to meet for a while but was a bit too shy to actually do something about it. We actually spent quite a bit of time together and I just loved every minute of it… Now, I just hope that the spanish soap opera that is my life these days doesn’t get any more complicated because of it!

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