Clarity’s blog

During the conversation with a friend yesterday she said, that one of the teachings of Ani Pema that has been popping up for her recently is something quite simple: “Don’t believe your thoughts”. And feelings of course.

It sounds like a good reminder for me too!

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Time to go back to more buddhist approaches with this latest drama. This morning as I woke up, one of the first things I felt was pain, not of the “oh my god, I’m going to die” kinda pain, but pain nonetheless. So then I figured, well, might as well do some practice with it, since it’s here already, and doesn’t seem to go anywhere. The best way for me so far to work with these kinds of things is exchanging self for other. It’s really quite simple.

I try to feel fully the pain in me, and then I think of the other person, who I know is probably feeling quite similar things, and I think - “Since I am already feeling this pain, let me take the pain you feel so you might be free of it. And whatever joy or lightness I might have, I give it to you, so that a smile might come to your face once again. ” There’s a whole formal practice called tonglen that goes with this, but this is kind of the gist of it.  This in itself is quite powerful - suddenly, what was a problem before - pain - now becomes an inspiration, it becomes workable, something with some kind of meaning. Then, what really makes the flip, is that you think bigger - well, this situation is really not just between us, think of how many other people are suffering immensely in these kind of triangles. So, again, since you’re already feeling the pain, and it’s not going to get any bigger anyway, you take in the pain of all of those people as well, and send them some kind of relief - a smile on their faces, glimmers of joy, cup of hot chocolate or coffee. whatever might be helpful.

It doesn’t really make the pain go away, but it gets us in touch with our big, wonderful hearts, and our relationship with pain changes. Yes, I still wish things were different, and  that our friendship would continue. But at the core of our relationship is just care, or dare I even say it - love. And that just wants the other to be happy, no matter where the other is, who is it with, and if we see each other or not. It doesn’t care at all about such conditions and getting anything back. The exchange seems to liberate this part and dissolves the attachment part. For a little while at least, but I’ll take whatever I get.

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Despite all my high flying spiritual ranting (see Sucky), I am beginning to realize more and more that there is a very confused and neurotic part to all of this, that I am just barely beginning to realize.  So, if this post is going to be confusing, it is because it’s confusing for me, and this is a quick attempt at clarifying it.

For starters, I knew for some time that I’m really bad at boundaries, but frankly, I didn’t think  much of it. I have a hard time setting boundaries, understanding boundaries and also respecting them. I also tend to rationalize this through spiritual “teachings” - we should move beyond boundaries, no personal territory, etc, etc. But as my girlfriend said, you can’t transcend boundaries, if you don’t even know what they are! I’m beginning to agree. This causes a lot of confusion, like it did in this current case. I thought we were being just friends, deep friends for sure, but friends nonetheless. But then, I have no clear idea where the boundary lies between friendship and “something more”. To me, it just feels, I like this person, like spending time with them, what is wrong with that? However, it seems that on some level, I am giving out mixed messages, my boundaries are not clear. And then I realize that I miss this person when I am not around  - and I think, well, of course I miss my friend, we are having such a great time together. But is that really all that it is?

An emotional triangle develops without me even being aware. Of course my partner is aware and feels jealous - which I find unnecessary,as there is clearly nothing going on. You see, my idea of boundaries is at this point physical - if there is nothing happening physically between us, then I am keeping my boundaries and she should not be jealous. As I am slowly beginning to understand, there’s much more to this. It took me some time to realize that she does have the “right” to feel that way, that I am taking some energy and focus out of our relationship into another one.  Sigh. The problem is, this way of behaving - what I see as me having deep friendships is so much a part of me, that I have a hard time seeing that changing. And also, at this point I have a hard time discerning where is the neurotic part in all this and where is the sane part. I do know that they are both there, but at this point lack awareness to distinguish them.

I also realize that this is crucial for me to understand and resolve, not only for my current relationship, but also for my work as a meditation instructor, and even more as a therapist. Both are the kinds of roles where boundaries are crucial.

And, you know, I never gave much to the whole  Freud idea about what happens between mother, father and a child, and how that affects your whole life,especially the whole Oedipus complex thing, but nonetheless I am slowly beginning to realize that there is something there at all. The whole thing however goes really against my Buddhist training - there we are trained to distrust the story line, not really go into it, but focus instead of how the whole mechanism of suffering comes about and dismantle it. In the psychotherapy approach you are doing many times exactly the opposite - story line is important, you are digging into it, trying to understand it and more so, change the deep memories that were imprinted in you at that early age. I am mostly finding it difficult to reconcile the two approaches at the moment, I have to say. Although there is also a glimmer of understanding that both are important and perhaps can complement each other.

Ok, enough for now, I have to go and study for the psychiatry exam! Yuck!

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Ehh, I think I just really need to let go of this one. Easier said then done though.

I wonder if it’s as hard for the other person as it is for me. Who’d know…

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Heh, as if there wasn’t enough chaos in my life at the moment, my server got hacked and the prick was rummaging around my accounts for 2 days. I’m trying to find out what he changed, if anything. If you find anything strange on my site, please let me know - rob (atbloodyspam) gmail.com

Thanks!

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I miss our friendship.

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