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There are some days, when life just feels pretty sucky. Today being one of the major ones.
A friendship I care about a lot just ended and it feels pretty crummy.
Sometimes it all just feels really futile, you know. Sometimes friendships break because we don’t care enough, or, as in this case, because we care too much. Insane, isn’t it?

I don’t know, maybe I just don’t belong in this world, where you are supposed to only care for one person, your partner. That just never worked for me, and frankly, I don’t think it ever will. Maybe I am now slowly beginning to understand Thich Nhat Hanh, who was saying that one becomes a monastic because one wants to love many people, not just one.
Is it such a sin to want to love? How can you restrict your care and warmth for just one person?
Then again, I don’t think love itself is the problem, but the attachment that always seems to come with it.

Perhaps Milarepa was right in this famous poem:

Kye Ma! The dharmas of samsara are futile.
Impermanent, impermanent, they are futile.
Changing and changing, they are futile.
Uncertain, uncertain, they are futile.

When there is a land but no owner, it is futile.
And owner but no land is futile.
Even land and owner together are futile.
The dharmas of samara are futile.

When there is a father but no son it is futile.
As son but no father is futile.
Even son and father together are futile.
The dharmas of samsara are futile.

When there is a father but no mother, it is futile.
A mother but no father is futile.
Even mother and father together are futile.
The dharmas of samsara are futile.

Even father, mother and child, all three together are futile.
The dharmas of samsara are futile.

When there is man but no wealth, it is futile.
Wealth but no man is futile.
Even man and wealth together are futile.
Even happiness and prosperity together are futile.
The dharmas of samsara are futile.

Whatever one does brings suffering and is futile.
Whatever one thinks is impermanent and futile.
Whatever one achieves is illusory and futile.
Even if one has it all, it is futile.
The dharmas of samsara are futile.

Since this is the nature of futility,
Let us yogins now accomplish
The essential truth; well then!
Vajradhara, whose essence is Akshobya,
Grant your blessings so that this lowly one may keep to retreat.

I always thought that this poem was a bit too depressing. Now, I find it strangely accurate and almost inspiring.
I know I’m in somewhat self pitying mood right now, but sometimes I just wonder if I’ll ever be capable of friendships, where one or the other doesn’t fall in love.
On the other hand, perhaps more wisely, perhaps I can use this opportunity to just get in touch with this pain, so deeply human and shared by so many of us, and generate some warmth and compassion for all of us who suffer so needlessly. Emphasis on needlessly!

May we all, someday, not too far away I hope, be free of all the suffering and may this one’s life, however small and inconsequential as it might be, be dedicated to this cause for as long as it takes.