As I woke up this morning yesterdays conversation with my MI was still echoing in my mind.
Just fine, huh… I went about my morning thingies, yet this was constantly in the back of my mind. I felt resistance to sitting again, but I somehow still ended up on my cushion. And as I sat there, I realized how once again, I fell into the trap of guilt regarding practice. That somehow if I practice I’m OK, and if I don’t I’m not.
Well, I’m fine if I do or if I don’t. It has nothing to do with it whatsoever.
And about the vows, of which I felt I was pretty sloppy lately. This felt like such a heretical thought, I could barely manage to think it. If I break my vows, I’m still fine. :) This is kinda hard to explain to someone who is not used to being trapped in these things, I’m afraid.
But to me, it felt like a tremendous relief. What a burden these shoulds are. You should practice! You should keep your vows perfectly! You should be a good meditator! How can you teach anyone, if you don’t practice (true) - you’re bad! (ha!)
Well, my dear ego structures, I have news for you. I should not do ANYTHING! Especially not anything you say!

But I want to. I do want to practice, not because I should, or because I am a good practitioner if I do, but simply because it’s my nature. It’s my nature to live from the open heart, to extend myself to others, to love. To rest in the space of the open mind. It’s just simply who I am. Even writing these words, feels somehow pretentious, like who do you think you are to say these things are just your nature.
But I do know that this is at the core of who I am. I always find it when I let go of this fixed mind, of self-aggression. It’s always waiting there. No matter how much I doubt it. When I reconnect with it, it feels like it’s never left. Like it’s just a breadth of an atom away from the neurosis that I usually call me. Just a shift of perspective, a sudden look.
And when I saw this, I thought, well, perhaps I found a first good use for my self denigration. Because I usually believe I’m the worst anyway, if I discover that what I wrote above is truly my true nature, then it just absolutely has to be true of everyone else as well! :D LOL! (i’ve been spending too much time on IM as you can probably tell).