Clarity’s blog

it’s been a while that I came at home at roughly 4am in the morning. After going to the talk by a visiting Zen teacher. And then going for a few coctails with a dear friend.
I don’t know if it was the talk or the coctails but I had one of the best evenings in a long time.
I think Trungpa Rinpoche was definitely up to something when he was extolling the virtues of conscious drinking (see Heart of the Buddha chapter Poison as medicine if I recall correctly). (I’ll probably get crucified for saying this somewhere)
All in all, it was a long time that I had such an honest, no bullshit, no holds barred conversation with someone. And let me tell you - it’s a breeze of delight for sure.

No Comments »

ok, time for another generosity practice. If you’re looking for a good host, I heartily recommend Dreamhost, where this domain, and a bunch of other domains I manage are hosted.
They have good service, very professional, very nice plans - i currently have 26GB of space and 1.3 TB/month of bandwith, which is more than enough for all my domains, and videos and dharma talks I’m hosting there.
If you use a promo code BUDDHA, you will get $97 off the first year.
You’re probably wondering, where’s the catch, how much of a reward am I getting out of this - actually, I’m giving it all to you, that’s why this is the highest promo code ever for Dreamhost.
Yeah, I know, we Buddhists are quite crazy…

6 Comments »

The nature of this universe and the nature of your heart is good. (first thing you hear when you start Shambhala Training)

No Comments »

is helping other people see who they truly are.
And not be afraid of themselves.

No Comments »

if you have protective gear for rollerblading it would be wise of you to use it.
Also, it seems that this pink thing covering your body scratches off rather too easily.
Ouch!

1 Comment »

That’s how I was for the last few days. Lots of aggression coming  up, in response to different things.

While it was quite painful, I have to say I almost felt glad it was happening. As yucky as this energy can be sometimes, it also wakes me up tremendously, and more and more, this is what I appreciate, even if I don’t like the texture of it. There’s lots of clarity and precision in anger, and it has a piercing quality that sometimes enables me to see what i’m doing with an unapologetic sharpness. It hurts, and it’s embarassing to see so clearly my many faults, my attachments to how things should be, and how annoyed I get when things don’t go the way I want, my expectations of others, my feelings of being right,…

But somehow this time, at some point, I stopped and felt glad that I felt the way I did. Even though it felt crappy. But I was not sleeping anymore, going through my life with dullness, just drifting and following one day after another. What on earth am I doing with my life? Is this how I want to really spend it?

I’m not sure if this post makes any sense at all.

No Comments »

Finally, a movie worth seeing! But perhaps it’s just because I’m such a hopeless romantic, I don’t know.

As we were walking away from the movie, my friend said: it’s such a samsaric movie, isn’t it? But it’s so wonderful we’re not the only ones with such problems.

Indeed… Go and watch it, if you can find it somewhere close to you. For those in Ljubljana, it’s playing in kino Dvor. Starring the always wonderful Audrey Tautou (Emilie), but a big surprise for me was Kelly Reilly.
Of course, I fell in love with all the lesbians in the movie, as always. :))

No Comments »

As I woke up this morning yesterdays conversation with my MI was still echoing in my mind.
Just fine, huh… I went about my morning thingies, yet this was constantly in the back of my mind. I felt resistance to sitting again, but I somehow still ended up on my cushion. And as I sat there, I realized how once again, I fell into the trap of guilt regarding practice. That somehow if I practice I’m OK, and if I don’t I’m not.
Well, I’m fine if I do or if I don’t. It has nothing to do with it whatsoever.
And about the vows, of which I felt I was pretty sloppy lately. This felt like such a heretical thought, I could barely manage to think it. If I break my vows, I’m still fine. This is kinda hard to explain to someone who is not used to being trapped in these things, I’m afraid.
But to me, it felt like a tremendous relief. What a burden these shoulds are. You should practice! You should keep your vows perfectly! You should be a good meditator! How can you teach anyone, if you don’t practice (true) - you’re bad! (ha!)
Well, my dear ego structures, I have news for you. I should not do ANYTHING! Especially not anything you say!

But I want to. I do want to practice, not because I should, or because I am a good practitioner if I do, but simply because it’s my nature. It’s my nature to live from the open heart, to extend myself to others, to love. To rest in the space of the open mind. It’s just simply who I am. Even writing these words, feels somehow pretentious, like who do you think you are to say these things are just your nature.
But I do know that this is at the core of who I am. I always find it when I let go of this fixed mind, of self-aggression. It’s always waiting there. No matter how much I doubt it. When I reconnect with it, it feels like it’s never left. Like it’s just a breadth of an atom away from the neurosis that I usually call me. Just a shift of perspective, a sudden look.
And when I saw this, I thought, well, perhaps I found a first good use for my self denigration. Because I usually believe I’m the worst anyway, if I discover that what I wrote above is truly my true nature, then it just absolutely has to be true of everyone else as well! LOL! (i’ve been spending too much time on IM as you can probably tell).

1 Comment »

Practice is about learning to say yes to what’s happening, even when we hate it.

from Ezra Bayda - At Home In The Muddy Water

No Comments »

I just had a talk with the mentor for our group who’s also my MI. It brought up quite a lot of interesting things. My tremendous doubt in myself these days for one. That I don’t know what I’m doing, what our group is doing or should be doing. And how I’m desperately looking outward for help.
Of course, he didn’t buy any of it, and didn’t offer any advice. He just said, you’re fine, what you’re doing is completely fine, and you should just trust yourself. And my mind was doing summer saults - wait a minute, what do you mean I’m fine? I’m hardly practicing, my resistance is huge, I feel disconnected, I have no devotion, completely confused, bla bla bla.
Nope, you’re just fine. He wouldn’t budge.
That shook my world a bit. What if he’s right?

1 Comment »

There is a very nice article about Crazy Wisdom on Inquiring mind. Have a look! (via Monkey See, Monkey Do)

2 Comments »

What we usually call emotions are nothing but confused avenues to our basic aliveness, vividness and freshness. We don’t need to control them and when we don’t do that they don’t control us.

Acharya Barbara Maertens from a talk during Working with Emotions weekend

No Comments »

Had a first party in my new apartment yesterday. A bit late to call it a housewarming party, but I decided to call it that nevertheless.
I’m generally really not a one to host parties. In fact, I’m not sure if I ever hosted any before. Hmm. Perhaps I did a few, but they must’ve really been a few. Generally, I’m quite shy and not very outgoing, so the thought of actually throwing a party always seemed a bit scary. Not to mention that it just seemed like such a hassle. Well, since it scared me so much, I thought it would be a good practice for me. And what did I find out?
Well, it still is a hassle. But it’s also quite nice. I did get caught up a few times when preparing for it to go into the old mode, oh, why am I bothering, this is too much work, I have to get all these things, have to coordinate all these people, and what are we going to do, oh, it’s going to be a terrible party, i’m too boring, … lalalalalala. So, instead of focusing on others, it got all focused on me, and my small thingies. When I noticed it, I just turned it around, thinking of my friends that I’ve invited, how nice it will be for them, and how nice it would be for all of us to have this time together. It was quite interesting how quickly that worked. I do want them to be happy, and me too. And when I do that, it’s really not that much of a hassle at all, it’s actually quite joyful. As the Sakyong says, “Extending yourself to others is the way to happiness”.
And we had a great time, I just let it go how it wanted to go and it was quite laid back, but at the same time very pleasant. There’s really not that much that we need to do to enjoy each other’s company, instead it’s quite enough to just be in each other’s company.

5 Comments »

I’m on the train on my way to visit my mother. As some of you might remember, doing that is not too easy for me. Lots of unresolved issues always come up. We’ll see how it goes this time.
(oh, and having internet on the train is quite nice! )

No Comments »

I was buying tickets from Brusells to Limoges and have stumbled upon this useful trick that gives you much cheaper tickets in some cases. First, don’t buy from thalys.com, they are the most expensive.
Second, when you buy from www.voyages-sncf.com, buy each segment separately. For example when I was buying tickets from Brussels to Limoges, when I typed that in the search form I got the final price around 200 EUR. When I booked 2 tickets, one from Brussels-Paris and then Paris-Limoges, the total price was 100 EUR. That’s a 50% saving!
This seems to work for other tickets as well on SNCF. For some reason you don’t get the cheapest rates if you allow the system to make the connections for you. Hope this is helpful for someone.

1 Comment »