Prednisone Generic Buy Lipitor Online Cialis Soft Tabs Without Prescription Erythromycin No Prescription Seroquel For Sale Aldactone Generic Buy Coumadin Online Prozac Without Prescription Elimite No Prescription Avapro For Sale

Sorry for not posting much lately, I’ve been caught in the trap of laziness, which as the Shambhala teachings say, leads to depression. Depression is interesting to work with, as there’s nothing you can really grasp at. Passion and aggression are quite definite and clear, whereas this is just foggy, blurry, numbed out state which envelops one completely. As usual, the first obstacle to work with if feeling bad about being depressed. There has to be something wrong with you, if you’re depressed, the believed thought insists. “And you’re not practicing. In fact, you’re not doing anything, just lying in bed watching movies all day. “. So, this way you can feel more guilty, and you want to numb yourself out more, not see what is happening, which then leads to more guilt,… You get the picture.
It’s quite a painful process.
So, what I’ve found is that what helps is warmth. Somehow finding some way of showing kindness towards yourself. Warmth provides a gap, through which your innate intelligence can shine and you can see what is happening. The trick then is not to to the usual thing. ” Oh, I should practice more, since I haven’t practiced in a while. ” With that, you’re living again in the world of “shoulds”, trying to live up to some ideal of what a good meditator is or should be, and you’ll be back where you came from in no time.
So, why not try appreciation instead. Or do something different. Or appreciate doing something different. ;-)
Like, today, I went out with my rollerblades. Yes, it’s still winter here, and it’s kinda crazy thing to do, but why not. It even wasn’t so hard as I thought it would be, I didn’t fall and I discovered that it’s possible to go over ice patches with rollerblades with quite a bit of grace. :-) And I really enjoyed it, it was sunny outside, not too cold, and my body just felt really great.
Then, as I came home, immediately into old space. “I should do this, I should do this, I have to do my ngondro,..” And instead I lay down on my bed and promptly fell asleep. Then I woke up in the evening, feeling not so great, and looked at my meditation cushion, and thought I should really do my ngondro. Except I didn’t want to. Just a big NO. No Way. Not getting me there. So, I could force myself a bit and start doing it anyway, which has its merits, but today instead I just sat down and just looked at where I was and what was happening. Slowly some warmth appeared towards this crazy being, who is perpetuating so much unnecessary suffering for himself. I remembered some of the poems of Kagyu lineage forefathers, which I used to really hate, because in them they are saying how miserable they are, how they are so depressed, lazy, no good,… Because I’m so hard with myself, I couldn’t really connect with those poems, because I understood them in the same way I was treating myself.
But now, it was different. I felt grateful for these forefathers, seeing how even though they were so realized, they were still struggling with some of the same things, they were lazy too, they procrastinated and they were depressed. And they didn’t give up on themselves, in fact it spurred them on, gave them even more inspiration.
And instead of ngondro, I did protector and longevity chants, and decided that perhaps that was just fine. Can I appreciate that I practiced at all? That I went out and did something nice for my body? Appreciate that this time I didn’t spend ALL of the weekend just watching movies and numbing myself out. That I’m ok if I practice and if I don’t practice?
This feels much better than beating myself up. And if I can do this, then I’m sure others can as well.