Clarity’s blog

Lao Tzu said, “He who feels punctured, must be a balloon.”

from a wonderful article by Joko Beck.

(via Zen Filter)

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I think i’ve set my record for coming late to work. Today I came to my desk at 2pm. Which means I should be at work until 10pm. Yuck.

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Happy birthday to me!

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so what was the outcome of this training, you might be wondering?
well, it seems the people there thought I am ready enough to start teaching Shambhala Training levels 2&3, which frankly, surprised me a bit and also scared the hell out of me.
It seems the lineage trusts me much more than I trust myself, but then it seems it has always been that way anyway.
Through their trust I then slowly gain confidence myself. So much of this path seems to be about confidence, it’s sometimes quite freaky. Confidence, confidence, confidence.
Another thing from this training was that it was really wonderful to spend this time with around 30 people, who are just so completely committed to this path, who are willing to devote their lives to helping others, serving others through teaching.
And they are amazingly sane people! Very inspiring!
It’s an amazing tribute to the power of this lineage and these teachings to witness that.

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One “insight” I had at this teacher’s training was, that if I really wanted to follow this path of teaching, i’ll have to let go of one of my most prized posessions, which is my laziness and procrastination.
(isn’t it weird how so many insights have this “duh!?” quality and are completely obvious?)

There’s just no other way.

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I feel very sad today. It happens quite often after I get back from a program. A general sense of rawness, vulnerability.
Not much content or story line that I can discern. It arises and vanishes, seeming to have a life of its own.
Since I just gave a talk on gentleness, I remembered it and thought might be nice to apply it. Gentleness just lets sadness be as it is, no need to change it, improve it or destroy it. Can I just let myself be sad? Like there’s nothing wrong with that or with me that I feel this way? Approaching it in this way seems to create lots of space around it and it is not so threatening anymore.
Why not be sad? I look at people’s faces, seeing the struggle and pain, masked over with bravado or ignorance. Trying to make sense of our lives, feeling the meaninglessness, the distance from each other and from life that our modern life creates. Covering over our beautiful hearts with armour of discursiveness, always finding ways of not allowing ourself to be loved and to love.
(did i say no story line? sheesh!)

a line from the poem by the Sakyong comes to mind:
You can be sad, for sadness is
the most genuine expression.

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i’ve been noticing for a while that the place where i notice fear on a consistent basis is in the elevator. Not fear of enclosed spaces, or anything such, but just general awkwardness.
I work in the center of the town, contracting for a bank, and so everyday i ride a elevator there. It’s very interesting to observe how relaxed I am if I’m there by myself, and how I just close down, get enclosed in my small space if someone enters. Should I greet them, or just ignore them? What language to greet them - they might from one of the embassies who have their offices in the same building? Where do I look? If it’s crowded, where do I stand, do I make eye contact with people there or avoid them? It’s kinda weird to be so awkward around it, but it’s also fun to practice with. Make eye contact, smile, greet somebody who is in a bad mood, somebody in a good mood, somebody who ignores me (that’s hard!). Look how this process of withdrawing works, play with it, don’t take myself so seriously…

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first thoughts on teachers training:
Humbleness is the dwelling place of our forefathers
and something that a teacher said to Ani Pema once:
You have to learn to be big and small at the same time.

It was both a completely painful and delightful event. More when I get some rest.

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update from cologne: things are going well, lots of people on this training that i´ve met over the years, lots of new people as well. excellent talks, and i also gave my first talk, which seemed to have been well received. i ran a bit out of time, so i couldnt really express everything that i wanted, but still, it was ok, and the feedback i got was very helpful.

i’m still anxious about the shambhala talk tomorrow, though little more at ease. if it will be horrible, then let it be that way, might be interesting to experience that as well. maybe it would soften some of my arrogance that is starting to develop!

UPDATE:
the talk went ok, although not as well as the buddhist one, but then I expected that. It did help with my arrogance though, especially the feedback I got which was actually quite helpful and I received lots of necessary information for me to improve. Of course, the ego grabbed onto that, and I went to the other side of arrogance, self-doubt and self hatred. Not very pleasant at all!

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I’m off to the beautiful city of Cologne, to do a teacher’s training. I’ve been freaking out about it for a while, it’s amazing what kinds of things come up regarding this kind of thing. All my insecurities, doubts, emotions of all kinds tend to get stirred up and it’s quite a feast. Last one I did was very good, yet also probably the hardest and most exhausting program I’ve ever done. So, while I’m looking forward to it, i’m also a bit apprehensive.
The words of Cheri Huber’s teacher kept coming to my mind as I was preparing: “You will do for others, what you would never do for yourself”.
I would’ve quit a thousand times if it were not for this silly heart that I carry that wants to offer itself to others.

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I am looking for examples of poetry expressing gentleness. Any ideas? Comments are open!

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Not Christian or Jew or Muslim, not Hindu,
Buddhist, sufi or zen. Not any religion

From Essential Rumi

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