Clarity’s blog

A tear appears in the corners of my eyes
sparkling with sadness and joy.

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Even the confused thoughts
   glow with delight.

I rest in the brilliance
   of my own heart.

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What a pleasant surprise I got this morning (not!). I woke up and thought, brr, it’s really chilly, must be really getting cold outside. I made myself breakfast, and it’s getting colder and colder. I put some more clothes on and check on the heating. The machine is whirring away, but alas, no flames (it’s a gas heating system). And the temperature shows 20. Not good!
I prod the machine in every hole it has in the hope of restarting it, nothing works.
Then comes the even more wonderful part, trying to find a repairman. I wonder if it is so hard outside of Slovenia here, but here they are notorious for being really hard to find, charging extorbitant amount of money and you always have to be there to watch what they do (how’s that for a bunch of stereotypical general gossip in one sentence?)
Anyways, first we did some on the phone support excercises:
- does it have a chimney?
- well, it has something that looks like a chimney
- ok, look on top, find a red or black button and press it. It should have two wires coming out.
- i somehow manage to climb to the top, all the time my cellphone chirping telling me that my battery is going to die any minute
- i see no wires anywhere. I look and look in all places, wondering what is he talking about. I started to feel like what I would imagine our customer feel when they’re with us a computer support call. Except of staring into a desktop I’m staring at the dusty top of a gas heater.
- well, there’s this black button
- ok, press that.
- but it doesn’t have wires coming out, it’s a tube
- ahh. then you have a model without a chimney, but “giblledy gobbledy gook” model. Gee, it sure looks like a chimney. (what version of Internet Explorer do you have? - What’s an Internet Explorer? The thing you use to get on the internet. - You mean a computer? It says dell xp360 on it, it’s that it? - sigh)
So, with that model we can’t do anything. I have to come and look at it. But there’s no time. I really can’t tell you when I can come. Where do you live?
- central Ljubljana
- oohhh. (sounds very disappointed). You know, perhaps we won’t even go there. We get parking tickets. You should talk to the mayor. ok, we’ll come. Wait a minute, who is going to pay for this?
- ? well, the landlord is going to pay
- oh, then we won’t come at all. We don’t want to deal with landlords. (!!!!)
- no no, i’ll pay you myself. i’ll deal with the landlord.
- ok, we’ll come, but really don’t know when.
- well, that’s really not good? days, weeks, longer?
- well, I hope it’s going to be sooner than a week

Yikes! i’ll freeze way before then.
So then I call my landlord and tell her that she should really get somebody, like, today. And believe it or not, she found somebody and he’s coming around noon. Now let’s just hope he can fix the damn thing.

UPDATE1: a few hours later this same repairmen calls me and says that they found out that my landlord hasn’t paid some bills from 2 yrs ago, so they won’t get coming at all. Or they’re not sure if it was my landlord, but someone from the same address. Well, that save me from figuring out how to tell them that their services are not wanted

UPDATE2: another repairmen comes and fixes everything in 15minutes. Very nice, tells me what to do in the future if the same thing happens

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As confidence in original purity dawns,
this yogi feels happy indeed.

World glows with luminous joy.

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Like a sock in a washing machine,
Tumbled clean of doubt and heaviness,
Confident in being pure
from the very beginning.

Goodness radiates out.

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we got this at the social action conference, and i thought i’d share it here:

Serving all beings
- from the Prajnaparamita Sutra

Subhuti asked: “How does a person practice all the paramitas?”

The Buddha replied:” With the perfection of wisdom, that person does not consider anything ultimately real but serves all beings with loving attention so that energy, patience and meditation will be aroused in them. But even though that person attends to the minutest detail of whatever must be done, he or she never grasps it or tries to make ultimate sense of it, knowing that it has no enduring substance of its own. ”

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the problem is that while I do manage to do this on occasion, I still expect the other person to do it as well!
(you know, like, sheesh, would you for once own your own side? ) hehehe

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At this insistent resistance to doing things that I know will wake me up, make me happier and more content and at the amazing energy and exertion I can put into things that do the opposite for me.

(if you’re wondering, I’m trying to get myself to practice Manjushri sadhana and study for the upcoming weekend program).

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Like for example, for me, having heard one of my Buddhist teachers say “fuck you” in a talk (actually, screamed), I was completely woken up, and I can tell you, I’m going to remember that day for a long time. It was like a Mahakala (wrathful deity) manifesting in front of us.
For some other people this very same act is a proof that his person is not a competent teacher. Or that he shouldn’t teach.
I think I really prefer my teachers to be human and have lots of humour about it, rather than the ones who try to present some “ideal”.

UPDATE: I was not clear, “other people” I’m referring to are part of a different sangha, that are using this piece of information to fuel their doubts about our lineage. People who were there at the talk, seemed to appreciate it a lot.

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Finally again got to do my ngondro, it is always so hard to start again after not doing it for a while. I find that even though I’m looking forward to it, resistance still takes over.
Today I think I even managed to completely fall asleep during one part, sitting on my cushion. Amazing.
Also, with all the recent changes in our post-seminary curriculum that the Sakyong has been making, and my long stuckness in Karma Kagyu ngondro, I have finally made the decision to follow the path as it seems to be laid out now, which means Primordian Rigden ngondro as daily practice and schedule in a month of group practice before the Rigden Abisheka next year.
I’ve been going back and forth between this, as I do feel a connection with the Kagyu ngondro as well, and also feeling bad about not finishing something that I started, which is quite a pattern in my life anyway.
However, there really is no virtue in being stuck for so long.
Also, with the new layout Kagyu ngondro is done after Werma sadhana, and it is changed so that it is done by time, instead of by counting as well, which at least for me, is a great relief. At the rate I was going now, I’d finish this ngondro in 10 years or so. And as it was pointed out, ngondro means preliminary practice, preparation for sadhana, not something you do for so long. It also helps that I totally love the liturgy of Primordial Rigden, it really speaks directly to me, and is extremely beautiful.

Did I mention that apparently Sakyong would like all of us to do 9 ngondros in our life? 3 times each (shambhala,kagyu,nyingma).

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Hehehe, this is from this morning trying to get to the store to get groceries.

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I’m off to Shambhala Social Action conference in Cologne. It’s going to be a loooong day (i woke up at 4:30am). It’s interesting that I’ve been asked to do something, that for some reason I find to be quite challenging and it’s quite in the spirit of social action and bodhisattva activity. Staring at my edge of comfort, it seems. Unnerving.

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Is the activity of the Shambhala Warrior.

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it’s frustrating to be so out of touch. words like separate, cocoon, cold, sad, buffer, ick, bleh come to mind. with lots of self-hatred about the fact that I feel I can’t even express it.

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you know, the sooner I get off this crappy UMTS internet connection, the happier I’ll be. Come on, T-2, I’m impatiently waiting for my 10Mbps connection, move your butt!

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