Prednisone Generic Buy Lipitor Online Cialis Soft Tabs Without Prescription Erythromycin No Prescription Seroquel For Sale Aldactone Generic Buy Coumadin Online Prozac Without Prescription Elimite No Prescription Avapro For Sale

Some years ago, when I first read Ani Pema’s Start Where You Are, I was appalled: somewhere in there (i think in the chapter on giving up all hope of fruition) she said that the meaning of maitri (loving kindness) is, that we can still be crazy after all these years. I was shocked. I didn’t want to be crazy after all these years! I wanted to get better! Wasn’t this the point of all this practice?
Today was a difficult day for me. One thing piling up on top of the other. I haven’t been practicing much lately, I stayed up quite late - sometimes because I couldn’t sleep, sometimes watching some sci-fi tv series, which meant I couldn’t wake up early, which meant I couldn’t practice, so then I could feel guilty about that, and distracted, couldn’t focus at work, found all kinds of other things to do instead of what I should, so then I could feel guilty again, which of course didn’t help with being able to focus on my work even one bit. As the day progressed I just felt worse and worse. I saw it, but was still caught in it enough so that I couldn’t step out. Shouldn’t I be over these things already? After all these years I’m still getting caught in this way? And I’m teaching this stuff? What a fraud!
Which quickly leads to feeling hopeless and worthless. And feeling bad about feeling this way. It’s a really vicious cycle.

Somehow as I was going home from work things were becoming worse but then some space came into the whole thing. I got a postcard from a friend saying how much she loves me and is grateful for my friendship. As I opened the door, today’s slogan greeted me: “Letting go should not be confused with arrogance or indulgence”. I ate a peach. Remembered Pema’s thing about being crazy after all these years.
Seeing how hard I was driving myself, how I wanted to be different from who I am or where I am, how I was punishing myself for what I was feeling, how I wanted to be better (because I hated who I was)
A smile slowly formed on my face. Perhaps it’s just fine to be so crazy after all these years. Perhaps instead of trying to climb to the top of the mountain above everyone else and their pain, I can just let the pain of being human soften me, move me closer to everyone. A tender heart. It’s a shared pain. It is samsara, they told you it was painful, right?
And perhaps I can just allow myself to be human.